Should high value women accept coffee dates proposed by men? This is a question that many women ask and personally, it’s taken me several years to form my own opinion on them.
There are two schools of thought when it comes to coffee dates. One group of women believe that coffee dates are acceptable because as a busy woman, you don’t want to give a man you barely know too much time in your life. Another group of women believes that coffee dates are too low effort and are suggested by men who don’t have a “provider” nature to them.
If you’ve read The Rules book, you know that the authors advocate for coffee dates as first dates only in order to see if you have a connection with a man before spending a lot of time with him, which could turn out to be a waste.
The benefits of coffee dates are obvious – they’re short, casual, and let you learn the basics about a man before investing too much time with him. I can understand this point, and once you go on a bad first dinner date with a man that lasts 3 hours, you’ll probably understand, too!
I once suffered through an awful dinner date with a man that I simply had no connection with.
But, after a few years, I have decided that I no longer accept coffee dates.
Despite that horrid first dinner date which just never seemed to end, the fact is that men who propose coffee dates are not commitment-minded.
When I look back, even though the man I had a first dinner date with was not my type, he was ready and willing to enter into a provider relationship with me. The fact that he proposed a nice dinner on our first date was evidence of his high interest in me as a partner.
In my experience, men who proposed coffee dates were not sure about me and rarely raised the bar after our first meeting.
Most women who accept coffee dates think like this: Oh, he wants to have coffee just to make sure I’m not crazy. I get that. With apps, you never really know! Once he meets me, he’ll fall in love with me, and then take me to a nice restaurant on our first “real” date!
But the truth is: men won’t raise the bar unless we insist they do.
What really happens after you accept a coffee date goes a little something like this. The man proposing the coffee date thinks: Wow, she accepted a coffee date with me. She must be easygoing and not require much to date her. I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to anyone right now, so this looks like the right situation for me, since she’s ok with these casual dates.
See the discrepancy? You’re thinking the coffee date is just a temporary thing, while he’s thinking he’s scored by finding a gorgeous woman willing to accept cheap dates!
It very rarely happens that a guy invites you to coffee just to “screen” you and then proceeds to invite you to a 5-star restaurant and pulls out the bells and whistles to really impress you.
Either he wants to impress you and take you seriously from the beginning or he doesn’t. It’s that simple.
How to Politely Decline a Coffee Date
If you agree with me, then here are some tips for declining a coffee date. As high-value women, we must be courteous to all men. It’s not necessary to “call him out” or teach him a lesson. One of these messages should work fine:
- “I’d prefer dinner as I really enjoy the ambiance and setting of a restaurant.”
- “I’d love to but I’m not free until after 7pm. How about we do dinner?”
- “Thanks for the invitation, but I’m more of a dinner kind of girl.”
At the end of the day, the choice is up to you. If you prefer to date a low-effort man who only offers you the bare minimum, then go ahead and accept a meeting with coffee date man.
Just don’t have high expectations afterward!
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Women many times are their own worst enemies… I’ve known many, many women in my life and many of the ones that consider themselves “high value” aren’t. I have half jokingly said that dating would be a lot easier of men and women were given a “dating score” much like a credit rating. So that way the people who are even slightly above average (6s and 7s) didn’t fool themselves into thinking they were 8s and 9s because of superficial things like the way they dress.